Two weeks ago my therapist (for want of a better word, although in psychosynthesis I think they call themselves guides) suggested that I look at the long patterns of my life. I haven’t really found a way to integrate that into my meditation practice but I have been holding it in my thoughts.
Anyway, earlier this week I was watching a television programme in which one of the minor characters had one of the same compulsions that I have had, one that I had for twenty years or so. A long time indeed. I’d never really recognised it as such until this programme..
I looked up obsessive compulsive disorder in Wikipedia from which I learned that it arises as a way of dealing with anxiety.
So I took this into therapy this morning. My therapist mentioned that obsessive compuslive behaviour as he called it also tends to go hand in hand with some kind of social difficulty. Well, up until this middle part of my life I’ve certainly experienced that. What I discovered that I was preferring my own company already by the age of six. It was looking like the cap was fitting for sure.
When my great grandfather died somewhere around the age of 6 he left me an etymological dictionary. This was to become a life long interest and a distraction from other things. I also got into programming which too requires a whole bunch of obsessive thinking.
Fast forward to the present and in meditation I am now dealing with letting go of becoming obsessed by trains of thought. What struck me in the session this morning was how much Metta practice is important in dealing with this. Accepting oneself just as one is. Forgiving oneself, forgiving others.
To paraphrase from the Metta meditation offered by the Insight Meditation Community of Washington:
May all beings be filled with loving kindness.
May all beings be held in loving kindness.
May all beings be accepted just as they are.
May all beings find great and natural peace.
May all beings experience the natural joy of being alive.
May all beings awaken and be free.